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    Coming Out

    Coming out is a process that begins when a person starts questioning an assumed heterosexual orientation.  Because
    there is so much stigma associated with being gay, the initial psychological reaction is typically denial: no one wants
    to be gay or to be different than most other people including his or her own family.

    The continuing lack of acceptance of a gay identity perpetuates hate crimes, as well as self- hatred expressed
    through substance abuse and suicide.  Acceptance of a gay identity can be especially difficult for those in sub-
    groups where there is an absence of gay visibility: members of certain rural communities; religious groups; some
    racial and ethnic minorities; and minors to name a few.

    This denial of a gay identity is often coupled with efforts to “prove” one’s heterosexuality to self and others.  Some
    gay men and women will even marry and have children while continuing to deny their true orientation.

    As one’s denial begins to break down there are usually feelings of anger.  This anger can be expressed via a hatred
    of homosexuals or anger at God.  In addition to anger there are usually feelings of guilt.  Overwhelming guilt may
    lead to suicidal thoughts.  Some may turn to drug abuse as a means of self-medicating these strong emotions of
    anger and guilt.

    For those who eventually come to accept their sexual orientation there is usually some time of bargaining
    acceptance of a gay identity.  A “closeted” lifestyle, though intended as a way to prevent losing relationships with
    others, often backfires: the hiding and secrets create lies and emotional distance, feelings of shame and stress.

    Each individual must finally come to some acceptance of a gay orientation based on their circumstances.  When a
    person accepts their sexual orientation (heterosexual or homosexual), they do not wish to change that aspect of who
    they are.

    In considering the pros and cons of coming out to others, a gay person can spend many excruciating hours
    evaluating what would be the best outcome, the worst outcome and the likely outcome.

    The decision to come out to others ideally only occurs when the gay person is finally ready to accept whatever
    outcome may occur.

    In assessing whether or not to come out and to whom, most gays consider that predicting outcome is easier if they
    know how that person feels about others who are different in some way.  Most gays will not come out if to do so
    might put them in physical or financial danger.

    Many gays come out last to those closest to them because even if the risk of being rejected is low, the potential
    impact of the loss is huge.  Most gays come out first to someone who will likely be accepting and supportive; this
    may be a stranger or it may be a best friend.  Many gay people first come out to another gay person and find that
    once they have an ally it is easier to come out to another person.

    In addition to asking ”why come out to this person?” planning to come out also includes asking who, what, when,
    where, and how questions: “Who else will be present?”; “Is there someone for me to talk to after I come out?”; “Is
    there anyone, or any resource, available for the other person?”; “What do I want to say and what do I not want to
    say?”; “When is the timing right?”; “How much time might we need for this discussion?”; “Will it be in private or
    in a public setting?”; “Will it be face to face, email, or phone?”; “Will the other person be surprised and what might
    they say or ask, and how will I respond?”       

    Gays need to be patient with the people to whom they come out: they too will need time to experience stages of
    denial, anger, guilt, and bargaining before coming to accept homosexuality.  Those to whom gays come out need to
    be appreciative of the risk and the honor involved in the gay person’s disclosure.  Those in either group who need
    support should consider seeing a therapist and/or finding a local support group such as Parents and Friends of
    Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
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