www.BeTreatedWell.com Coming Out
Coming out is a process that begins when a person starts questioning an assumed
heterosexual orientation. Because there is so much stigma associated with being
gay, the initial psychological reaction is typically denial: no one wants to be gay or
to be different than most other people including his or her own family.
The continuing lack of acceptance of a gay identity perpetuates hate crimes, as
well as self- hatred expressed through substance abuse and suicide. Acceptance
of a gay identity can be especially difficult for those in sub-groups where there is
an absence of gay visibility: members of certain rural communities; religious
groups; some racial and ethnic minorities; and minors to name a few.
This denial of a gay identity is often coupled with efforts to “prove” one’s
heterosexuality to self and others. Some gay men and women will even marry and
have children while continuing to deny their true orientation.
As one’s denial begins to break down there are usually feelings of anger. This
anger can be expressed via a hatred of homosexuals or anger at God. In addition
to anger there are usually feelings of guilt. Overwhelming guilt may lead to
suicidal thoughts. Some may turn to drug abuse as a means of self-medicating
these strong emotions of anger and guilt.
For those who eventually come to accept their sexual orientation there is usually
some time of bargaining acceptance of a gay identity. A “closeted” lifestyle,
though intended as a way to prevent losing relationships with others, often
backfires: the hiding and secrets create lies and emotional distance, feelings of
shame and stress.
Each individual must finally come to some acceptance of a gay orientation based
on their circumstances. When a person accepts their sexual orientation
(heterosexual or homosexual), they do not wish to change that aspect of who they
are.
In considering the pros and cons of coming out to others, a gay person can spend
many excruciating hours evaluating what would be the best outcome, the worst
outcome and the likely outcome.
The decision to come out to others ideally only occurs when the gay person is
finally ready to accept whatever outcome may occur.
In assessing whether or not to come out and to whom, most gays consider that
predicting outcome is easier if they know how that person feels about others who
are different in some way. Most gays will not come out if to do so might put them
in physical or financial danger.
Many gays come out last to those closest to them because even if the risk of
being rejected is low, the potential impact of the loss is huge. Most gays come
out first to someone who will likely be accepting and supportive; this may be a
stranger or it may be a best friend. Many gay people first come out to another gay
person and find that once they have an ally it is easier to come out to another
person.
In addition to asking ”why come out to this person?” planning to come out also
includes asking who, what, when, where, and how questions: “Who else will be
present?”; “Is there someone for me to talk to after I come out?”; “Is there
anyone, or any resource, available for the other person?”; “What do I want to say
and what do I not want to say?”; “When is the timing right?”; “How much time
might we need for this discussion?”; “Will it be in private or in a public setting?”;
“Will it be face to face, email, or phone?”; “Will the other person be surprised and
what might they say or ask, and how will I respond?”
Gays need to be patient with the people to whom they come out: they too will
need time to experience stages of denial, anger, guilt, and bargaining before
coming to accept homosexuality. Those to whom gays come out need to be
appreciative of the risk and the honor involved in the gay person’s disclosure.
Those in either group who need support should consider seeing a therapist and/or
finding a local support group such as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(PFLAG).
Coming out is a process that begins when a person starts questioning an assumed
heterosexual orientation. Because there is so much stigma associated with being
gay, the initial psychological reaction is typically denial: no one wants to be gay or
to be different than most other people including his or her own family.
The continuing lack of acceptance of a gay identity perpetuates hate crimes, as
well as self- hatred expressed through substance abuse and suicide. Acceptance
of a gay identity can be especially difficult for those in sub-groups where there is
an absence of gay visibility: members of certain rural communities; religious
groups; some racial and ethnic minorities; and minors to name a few.
This denial of a gay identity is often coupled with efforts to “prove” one’s
heterosexuality to self and others. Some gay men and women will even marry and
have children while continuing to deny their true orientation.
As one’s denial begins to break down there are usually feelings of anger. This
anger can be expressed via a hatred of homosexuals or anger at God. In addition
to anger there are usually feelings of guilt. Overwhelming guilt may lead to
suicidal thoughts. Some may turn to drug abuse as a means of self-medicating
these strong emotions of anger and guilt.
For those who eventually come to accept their sexual orientation there is usually
some time of bargaining acceptance of a gay identity. A “closeted” lifestyle,
though intended as a way to prevent losing relationships with others, often
backfires: the hiding and secrets create lies and emotional distance, feelings of
shame and stress.
Each individual must finally come to some acceptance of a gay orientation based
on their circumstances. When a person accepts their sexual orientation
(heterosexual or homosexual), they do not wish to change that aspect of who they
are.
In considering the pros and cons of coming out to others, a gay person can spend
many excruciating hours evaluating what would be the best outcome, the worst
outcome and the likely outcome.
The decision to come out to others ideally only occurs when the gay person is
finally ready to accept whatever outcome may occur.
In assessing whether or not to come out and to whom, most gays consider that
predicting outcome is easier if they know how that person feels about others who
are different in some way. Most gays will not come out if to do so might put them
in physical or financial danger.
Many gays come out last to those closest to them because even if the risk of
being rejected is low, the potential impact of the loss is huge. Most gays come
out first to someone who will likely be accepting and supportive; this may be a
stranger or it may be a best friend. Many gay people first come out to another gay
person and find that once they have an ally it is easier to come out to another
person.
In addition to asking ”why come out to this person?” planning to come out also
includes asking who, what, when, where, and how questions: “Who else will be
present?”; “Is there someone for me to talk to after I come out?”; “Is there
anyone, or any resource, available for the other person?”; “What do I want to say
and what do I not want to say?”; “When is the timing right?”; “How much time
might we need for this discussion?”; “Will it be in private or in a public setting?”;
“Will it be face to face, email, or phone?”; “Will the other person be surprised and
what might they say or ask, and how will I respond?”
Gays need to be patient with the people to whom they come out: they too will
need time to experience stages of denial, anger, guilt, and bargaining before
coming to accept homosexuality. Those to whom gays come out need to be
appreciative of the risk and the honor involved in the gay person’s disclosure.
Those in either group who need support should consider seeing a therapist and/or
finding a local support group such as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(PFLAG).
| Antonia Caretto, Ph.D., PLLC |
| www.BeTreatedWell.com phone: 248.553.9053 |
| Articles of Interest: Business of Therapy Anxiety Why Gender? Asperger's Disorder Adjustment Disorders Self-Injurious Behavior |
