www.BeTreatedWell.com
Coming Out
Coming out is a process that begins when a person starts questioning an assumed heterosexual orientation.
Because there is so much stigma associated with being gay, the initial psychological reaction is typically denial:
no one wants to be gay or to be different than most other people including his or her own family.
The continuing lack of acceptance of a gay identity perpetuates hate crimes, as well as self- hatred expressed
through substance abuse and suicide. Acceptance of a gay identity can be especially difficult for those in sub-
groups where there is an absence of gay visibility: members of certain rural communities; religious groups; some
racial and ethnic minorities; and minors to name a few.
This denial of a gay identity is often coupled with efforts to “prove” one’s heterosexuality to self and others.
Some gay men and women will even marry and have children while continuing to deny their true orientation.
As one’s denial begins to break down there are usually feelings of anger. This anger can be expressed via a
hatred of homosexuals or anger at God. In addition to anger there are usually feelings of guilt. Overwhelming
guilt may lead to suicidal thoughts. Some may turn to drug abuse as a means of self-medicating these strong
emotions of anger and guilt.
For those who eventually come to accept their sexual orientation there is usually some time of bargaining
acceptance of a gay identity. A “closeted” lifestyle, though intended as a way to prevent losing relationships
with others, often backfires: the hiding and secrets create lies and emotional distance, feelings of shame and
stress.
Each individual must finally come to some acceptance of a gay orientation based on their circumstances. When
a person accepts their sexual orientation (heterosexual or homosexual), they do not wish to change that aspect
of who they are.
In considering the pros and cons of coming out to others, a gay person can spend many excruciating hours
evaluating what would be the best outcome, the worst outcome and the likely outcome.
The decision to come out to others ideally only occurs when the gay person is finally ready to accept whatever
outcome may occur.
In assessing whether or not to come out and to whom, most gays consider that predicting outcome is easier if
they know how that person feels about others who are different in some way. Most gays will not come out if to
do so might put them in physical or financial danger.
Many gays come out last to those closest to them because even if the risk of being rejected is low, the potential
impact of the loss is huge. Most gays come out first to someone who will likely be accepting and supportive;
this may be a stranger or it may be a best friend. Many gay people first come out to another gay person and
find that once they have an ally it is easier to come out to another person.
In addition to asking ”why come out to this person?” planning to come out also includes asking who, what,
when, where, and how questions: “Who else will be present?”; “Is there someone for me to talk to after I come
out?”; “Is there anyone, or any resource, available for the other person?”; “What do I want to say and what do I
not want to say?”; “When is the timing right?”; “How much time might we need for this discussion?”; “Will it be
in private or in a public setting?”; “Will it be face to face, email, or phone?”; “Will the other person be surprised
and what might they say or ask, and how will I respond?”
Gays need to be patient with the people to whom they come out: they too will need time to experience stages
of denial, anger, guilt, and bargaining before coming to accept homosexuality. Those to whom gays come out
need to be appreciative of the risk and the honor involved in the gay person’s disclosure. Those in either group
who need support should consider seeing a therapist and/or finding a local support group such as Parents and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
Coming Out
Coming out is a process that begins when a person starts questioning an assumed heterosexual orientation.
Because there is so much stigma associated with being gay, the initial psychological reaction is typically denial:
no one wants to be gay or to be different than most other people including his or her own family.
The continuing lack of acceptance of a gay identity perpetuates hate crimes, as well as self- hatred expressed
through substance abuse and suicide. Acceptance of a gay identity can be especially difficult for those in sub-
groups where there is an absence of gay visibility: members of certain rural communities; religious groups; some
racial and ethnic minorities; and minors to name a few.
This denial of a gay identity is often coupled with efforts to “prove” one’s heterosexuality to self and others.
Some gay men and women will even marry and have children while continuing to deny their true orientation.
As one’s denial begins to break down there are usually feelings of anger. This anger can be expressed via a
hatred of homosexuals or anger at God. In addition to anger there are usually feelings of guilt. Overwhelming
guilt may lead to suicidal thoughts. Some may turn to drug abuse as a means of self-medicating these strong
emotions of anger and guilt.
For those who eventually come to accept their sexual orientation there is usually some time of bargaining
acceptance of a gay identity. A “closeted” lifestyle, though intended as a way to prevent losing relationships
with others, often backfires: the hiding and secrets create lies and emotional distance, feelings of shame and
stress.
Each individual must finally come to some acceptance of a gay orientation based on their circumstances. When
a person accepts their sexual orientation (heterosexual or homosexual), they do not wish to change that aspect
of who they are.
In considering the pros and cons of coming out to others, a gay person can spend many excruciating hours
evaluating what would be the best outcome, the worst outcome and the likely outcome.
The decision to come out to others ideally only occurs when the gay person is finally ready to accept whatever
outcome may occur.
In assessing whether or not to come out and to whom, most gays consider that predicting outcome is easier if
they know how that person feels about others who are different in some way. Most gays will not come out if to
do so might put them in physical or financial danger.
Many gays come out last to those closest to them because even if the risk of being rejected is low, the potential
impact of the loss is huge. Most gays come out first to someone who will likely be accepting and supportive;
this may be a stranger or it may be a best friend. Many gay people first come out to another gay person and
find that once they have an ally it is easier to come out to another person.
In addition to asking ”why come out to this person?” planning to come out also includes asking who, what,
when, where, and how questions: “Who else will be present?”; “Is there someone for me to talk to after I come
out?”; “Is there anyone, or any resource, available for the other person?”; “What do I want to say and what do I
not want to say?”; “When is the timing right?”; “How much time might we need for this discussion?”; “Will it be
in private or in a public setting?”; “Will it be face to face, email, or phone?”; “Will the other person be surprised
and what might they say or ask, and how will I respond?”
Gays need to be patient with the people to whom they come out: they too will need time to experience stages
of denial, anger, guilt, and bargaining before coming to accept homosexuality. Those to whom gays come out
need to be appreciative of the risk and the honor involved in the gay person’s disclosure. Those in either group
who need support should consider seeing a therapist and/or finding a local support group such as Parents and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
Antonia Caretto, Ph.D., PLLC
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
www.BeTreatedWell.com
phone: 248.553.9053
phone: 248.553.9053