www.BeTreatedWell.com FAQ: Parenting
Questions about Parenting:
When should a child see a therapist?
How can I parent more effectively?
How do I deal with habitual lying?
How do I get my child to sleep alone?
How do I know if my child is ready for a pet?
What about leaving my child home alone?
Should I pay for good grades?
When should a child see a therapist?
Seek evaluation by a therapist if your child exhibits any of these behaviors:
Developmental delays
Excess physical complaints
Changes in appetite
Aggressive behaviors
Lack of interest in friends and activities
Insomnia or sleepiness
Drop in school performance
Mood swings
Depression or sadness
Self-injurious behavior
How can I parent more effectively?
Make eye contact before setting a limit. If necessary, say “look at me.”
Give warnings about transitions or changes.
Make one request at a time and be specific.
Give choices rather than ultimatums.
Give instructions that tell your child what to “do” rather than “don’t.”
Reward good behavior at least as often as you punish bad behavior.
Do more and say less.
Allow and create naturally occurring consequences when at all possible.
Have your child tell you what motivates and rewards them.
Be consistent and be able to follow through with any threat or promise you make.
Find a way to change a behavior through a reward.
Remain calm—take a time out yourself if you need to.
Chose your battles wisely.
Try visual tools like star charts.
Use rewards that aren’t monetary or food.
Approach the idea of behavior change as a gradual process and set reasonable
goals so that your child (and you) can succeed.
Keep private any and all discussions about Adult topics (sex, finances, etc).
How do I deal with habitual lying?
First, lead by example by not telling lies. Stress the importance of truth telling,
even if the truth is “bad” and reinforce this value by having harsher consequences
for the lying rather than for the offense. Encourage your child to think before
speaking. Respond to lying with a confrontation that minimizes the chance for
denial or debate about truthfulness and maximizes personal responsibility such as,
“that may be how you see it or how you wish it was, but that’s not how others
view it.” Offer the opportunity to tell the truth even when a lie has been told by
suggesting, “think of another way to tell me with as much accuracy as possible.”
How do I get my child to sleep alone?
Make the child’s bedroom the ideal place for them to sleep by equipping it with a
night light and ‘getting ready for bed’ accessories such as story books and
soothing music. Try not to have the bedroom associated with entertainment,
eating, or homework. Even if the child falls asleep elsewhere, have them wake up
in their own bed. To help your child wind down before sleep, spend some time in
their room once they are in bed.
How do I know if my child is ready for a pet?
One way to assess a child’s readiness to be responsible for a pet is to ask the
child to find out what equipment they will need and what they must do daily and
weekly to care for the pet. Ask them how they will manage if a big school project
or sleep-over takes their attention and time. Finally, to test their “investment” in
this endeavor, it may be wise to set up a way for the child to earn money toward
the purchase of the pet and needed supplies.
What about leaving my child home alone?
Developmental age is more important than chronological age when it comes to
considering leaving a child home alone. The older the child is, the more time they
can stay home alone, though no child should be home alone overnight. Before
leaving a child home alone, make sure they have identified someone like a
neighbor or relative to contact in case of emergency. Also make sure they know to
keep the doors locked, rules regarding those who are and are not allowed in the
home and what equipment they may or may not use during your absence. Instruct
them that if someone asks for you that they should say that you are “not
available” rather than “not home.”
At around ages 11 or 12 a child could be home alone for a brief period of 30
minutes or less. A child of 14 could probably be home alone for a few hours and a
17 year old could be home alone for 6 to 8 hours. Be aware that initial
experimentation with risky behaviors typically occurs in middle school age children
during the period of time after school before adults are home from work.
Should I pay for good grades?
Though I like the use of rewards to shape behavior, I am opposed to paying for
grades. Rewards are a means to a goal: the internalization of pride and self-
satisfaction. Try rewards other than money and identify specific behaviors that are
associated with success in school. Rewards should be given for behaviors that are
objectively measurable and achievable and should be ‘do’ actions rather than ‘don’
t’ actions. These may include things like turning work in on time, devoting time to
studying, using a planner, or getting enough sleep. I urge parents to involve
their children in setting individualized goals. Finally, goals should look for
progress, not perfection.
Questions about Parenting:
When should a child see a therapist?
How can I parent more effectively?
How do I deal with habitual lying?
How do I get my child to sleep alone?
How do I know if my child is ready for a pet?
What about leaving my child home alone?
Should I pay for good grades?
When should a child see a therapist?
Seek evaluation by a therapist if your child exhibits any of these behaviors:
Developmental delays
Excess physical complaints
Changes in appetite
Aggressive behaviors
Lack of interest in friends and activities
Insomnia or sleepiness
Drop in school performance
Mood swings
Depression or sadness
Self-injurious behavior
How can I parent more effectively?
Make eye contact before setting a limit. If necessary, say “look at me.”
Give warnings about transitions or changes.
Make one request at a time and be specific.
Give choices rather than ultimatums.
Give instructions that tell your child what to “do” rather than “don’t.”
Reward good behavior at least as often as you punish bad behavior.
Do more and say less.
Allow and create naturally occurring consequences when at all possible.
Have your child tell you what motivates and rewards them.
Be consistent and be able to follow through with any threat or promise you make.
Find a way to change a behavior through a reward.
Remain calm—take a time out yourself if you need to.
Chose your battles wisely.
Try visual tools like star charts.
Use rewards that aren’t monetary or food.
Approach the idea of behavior change as a gradual process and set reasonable
goals so that your child (and you) can succeed.
Keep private any and all discussions about Adult topics (sex, finances, etc).
How do I deal with habitual lying?
First, lead by example by not telling lies. Stress the importance of truth telling,
even if the truth is “bad” and reinforce this value by having harsher consequences
for the lying rather than for the offense. Encourage your child to think before
speaking. Respond to lying with a confrontation that minimizes the chance for
denial or debate about truthfulness and maximizes personal responsibility such as,
“that may be how you see it or how you wish it was, but that’s not how others
view it.” Offer the opportunity to tell the truth even when a lie has been told by
suggesting, “think of another way to tell me with as much accuracy as possible.”
How do I get my child to sleep alone?
Make the child’s bedroom the ideal place for them to sleep by equipping it with a
night light and ‘getting ready for bed’ accessories such as story books and
soothing music. Try not to have the bedroom associated with entertainment,
eating, or homework. Even if the child falls asleep elsewhere, have them wake up
in their own bed. To help your child wind down before sleep, spend some time in
their room once they are in bed.
How do I know if my child is ready for a pet?
One way to assess a child’s readiness to be responsible for a pet is to ask the
child to find out what equipment they will need and what they must do daily and
weekly to care for the pet. Ask them how they will manage if a big school project
or sleep-over takes their attention and time. Finally, to test their “investment” in
this endeavor, it may be wise to set up a way for the child to earn money toward
the purchase of the pet and needed supplies.
What about leaving my child home alone?
Developmental age is more important than chronological age when it comes to
considering leaving a child home alone. The older the child is, the more time they
can stay home alone, though no child should be home alone overnight. Before
leaving a child home alone, make sure they have identified someone like a
neighbor or relative to contact in case of emergency. Also make sure they know to
keep the doors locked, rules regarding those who are and are not allowed in the
home and what equipment they may or may not use during your absence. Instruct
them that if someone asks for you that they should say that you are “not
available” rather than “not home.”
At around ages 11 or 12 a child could be home alone for a brief period of 30
minutes or less. A child of 14 could probably be home alone for a few hours and a
17 year old could be home alone for 6 to 8 hours. Be aware that initial
experimentation with risky behaviors typically occurs in middle school age children
during the period of time after school before adults are home from work.
Should I pay for good grades?
Though I like the use of rewards to shape behavior, I am opposed to paying for
grades. Rewards are a means to a goal: the internalization of pride and self-
satisfaction. Try rewards other than money and identify specific behaviors that are
associated with success in school. Rewards should be given for behaviors that are
objectively measurable and achievable and should be ‘do’ actions rather than ‘don’
t’ actions. These may include things like turning work in on time, devoting time to
studying, using a planner, or getting enough sleep. I urge parents to involve
their children in setting individualized goals. Finally, goals should look for
progress, not perfection.
| Antonia Caretto, Ph.D., PLLC |
| www.BeTreatedWell.com phone: 248.553.9053 |
| Articles of Interest: Business of Therapy Anxiety Why Gender? Asperger's Disorder Adjustment Disorders Self-Injurious Behavior |
